Week 21: The Final Month Approacheth

The end is nigh… and apparently not soon enough for Rolphy…

… or the Buffalo Sabre fans. (from the rolphy files)

Zamboni driver David Ayres was pressed into service Saturday night for Carolina on an emergency basis. His “28-minutes-of-fame” got him more points this week than NINE of the goalies that played for OFHL teams this week.

David Ayres proves there’s still hope for all goalies! Even if they can’t skate and use shovels!

Is George Parros, head of NHL player safety, actively trying to get fired? Water bottle spray that might have hit Schiefele gets Scott Sabourin kicked out of the game and a max fine. Jamie Benn cripples OEL and gets nothing. Unbelievable? Not when you remember that Benn & Parros are business partners!

#Sens Scott Sabourin gets a 10 minute misconduct with 8:37 remaining in the third period. Looks like he sprayed water at Scheifele … pic.twitter.com/torNIzxdvC

— Hailey Salvian (@hailey_salvian) February 21, 2020

Water bottle spray used to be considered “Good Stuff.” Today… not so much. I blame Trudeau. #whathavewebecome

French Amateur Soccer Player Suspended Five Years for Biting an Opponent’s Penis During Match.

In related news, Marchand returns from his European vacation.

THE WEEK IN BULLETS

• Haukster had the big week with 46 points
• R&S have 2nd best week (42 pts) but end up 2-1
• 3-0 weeks for H, GoJo, & Vinny
• Haukster now pulls 10 pts ahead of T-Man for 1st
• Magic number for Haukster is now 7 – as in “any combination of his wins and T-Man’s losses equaling 7 or more means it’s a Haukster championship.
• log jam for that 5th place money spot as Erty, EZ, JBR, & Vinny are in a battle for that spot.
• EZ moves up one spot to 6th.
• Derko can’t tank no matter how hard he tries as he moves up one spot to 10th
• Pick up goes to a lottery again & T-Man’s vast selection of gambling apps rolled a “4” entitling Team Orv to another week of texting to decide who they are going to pick-up

STANDINGS

TEAM	G	W	L	T	PTS	TP	AVG	%		W	L	T	PWk
H	63	50	10	3	103	731	34.8	0.817	T	3	0	0	46
T	63	46	16	1	93	715	34.0	0.738	H	2	1	0	40
G	63	40	20	3	83	630	30.0	0.659	I	3	0	0	39
F	63	36	24	3	75	698	33.2	0.595	S	0	3	0	34
E	63	33	27	3	69	625	29.8	0.548	.	1	2	0	25
Z	63	33	28	2	68	619	29.5	0.540	W	2	1	0	34
J	63	32	27	4	68	597	28.4	0.540	E	1	2	0	26
V	63	29	29	5	63	607	28.9	0.500	E	3	0	0	38
&	63	29	33	1	59	601	28.6	0.468	K	2	1	0	42
D	63	24	35	4	52	548	26.1	0.413	.	2	1	0	28
S	63	23	37	3	49	577	27.5	0.389	.	0	3	0	27
C	63	22	40	1	45	609	29.0	0.357	.	2	1	0	37
O	63	13	47	3	29	502	23.9	0.230	.	0	3	0	22
R	63	13	50	0	26	486	23.1	0.206	.	0	3	0	19

ORV’RTIME

Flames assistant GM Chris Snow is around hockey every day, but his wife, Kelsie, never thought she’d get to see him skate with their son or shoot a puck again after his ALS diagnosis last summer. Click the pic for the link to the article if you want to read it,

Facing a Dire Diagnosis, Flames Exec Chris Snow and His Family Find Hope in Hockey

Our trading deadline is Sunday, March 1 @ midnight

 

Week 2: By the Numbers

Sorry for the late update; too much turkey makes for laziness… anyways, on with the OFHL Weekly!

CUT DOWN DAY is Sunday, Oct. 27 at midnight. Here’s a quick review of what happens on that day:

• Rosters will be trimmed to 30 players, Sunday midnight before the start of the 5th week of the season: 13 Active Roster, 12 Bench, 5 Prospect List = 30 Players Total
• PROSPECT LIST – the prospect list may include any players who are 23 years or younger on the day they were placed on the list.

NHL BY THE NUMBERS

Some numbers from the starting rosters.

Scary that COL is young & scary good, while DET is old & scary bad! (sorry, Chico)

This is all Tyler Myers!

Islanders’ Anders Lee, Matt Martin, & Johnny Boychuk need to push away from the buffet and get under 230. The tall Canucks show how skinny they are as well thanks to @skeletor57

The most Canadian team is, fittingly, the Canadiens. NASH, WASH, & NYR have a majority of their team come from Europe. EDM has no Americans, while ARIZ has the most.

THREE STARS

Check out the Av’s 3rd Star; it’s their Video Coach!

from the rolphyfiles

BASEBALL

It’s now time to care about baseball. Check out this overlay of 2 pitches from Charlie Morton of Tampa Bay. I’ll stick to slo-pitch.

Charlie Morton, 94mph Fastball and 80mph Curveball Spin, Overlay pic.twitter.com/ooI111DvAf

— Rob Friedman (@PitchingNinja) October 7, 2019

 

Fulty got some back up goalie help by drafting Chris Osgood, a healthy scratch since 2011 (here shown with Super-UFA Larry Murphy) That Illitch family is so loyal to their players!

POTW: Player of the Week honours go to Cordy’s American Carlson WS who had 9 points. JBR’s Laine was close with 8.

“Whatever. Lucic’s presence now stops teams picking on Gaudreau & Tkachuk!” texted to cordy by his cousin in Calgary.

THE OFHL WEEKLY

• GoJo had a big trade week with four separate deals; in total he brought in 6 new players and added one pick, while sending out 4 players and 4 picks. Somebody is going for it?
• Fulty has the big week with 41 points; JBR next with 39
• Fulty, T-Man & GoJo go 3-0
• T-Man remains only undefeated team
• EZ picked up Beauvillier (NYI) & dropped Broissoit WPG
• Rolphy gets this week’s pickup

STANDINGS

TEAM	G	W	L	T	PTS	PWk	TP	AVG	%
T	6	6	0	0	12	37	79	39.5	1.000
J	6	5	1	0	10	39	64	32.0	0.833
G	6	5	1	0	10	34	61	30.5	0.833
F	6	4	2	0	8	41	58	29.0	0.667
S	6	4	2	0	8	35	58	29.0	0.667
V	6	3	2	1	7	30	55	27.5	0.583
H	6	3	3	0	6	32	48	24.0	0.500
O	6	2	3	1	5	31	56	28.0	0.417
C	6	2	4	0	4	36	62	31.0	0.333
Z	6	2	4	0	4	37	47	23.5	0.333
D	6	2	4	0	4	24	42	21.0	0.333
E	6	1	5	0	2	30	49	24.5	0.167
&	6	1	5	0	2	20	43	21.5	0.167
R	6	1	5	0	2	21	40	20.0	0.167

HAPPY Belated B-DAY TO THE MECHANICALLY-CHALLENGED HALF OF TEAM ORV!

 

 

Derko Cup Abducted & Recovered!

We kept this under wraps this season, but now is the time for full disclosure on one of the darkest moments in OFHL trophy history. The DERKO Cup went missing earlier this year after Rolphy left it on the seat of his HVAC van when doing a service call. “It was just a regular day, nothing special,” said Rolphy. “I headed out for my first call, buckled the Derko Cup into the seat beside me – I take it on every call to show the clients – but after the call, I noticed it was gone and this note was left behind.”

Rolphy quickly got in contact with the kmsh, who told him he better find the trophy before Derko finds out its lost or Derko will be devastated. Rolphy promised that, even if it’s his last act in this pool, he would search “Heaven and Earth and his underwear drawer” to find the Cup (plus the thought of Derko crying into his Sedins Pillow is disturbing.) It was suggested Rolphy first check Dinky’s basement accommodations in Sun Peaks – to no avail.

But as of this morning, we are happy to report that Rolphy used his “special skills” and has recovered the trophy in Nashville. The two have been spending some quality time re-acquainting in Music City.

Thanks to the Polie officers from Davidson County for securing the drop site for the safe return of the Derko Cup.

Rolphy & the Cup check out the “Yodelling Hall of Fame”

Side trip to Printers Alley to grab some Tennessee card stock for EZ. He’s a big-time collector.

Happy Hour at Hooters.

Finally, some skinny dipping in the Cumberland River just outside the Titans home field.

Next up, Dollywood!

Week 3 – Pass the Pumpkin Ale

It’s not Halloween without a few pumpkin beers &, of course, David S Pumpkins.

Any Questions?

THE WEEK IN BULLETS

• It was a scary week for Ren & Stimpy. They only had 5 points. Baby Steps.
• Someone’s watching the schedule: Sundays are usually fewer games but T-Man had 12 guys going on Sunday.
• Vinny goes 3-0 again; he’s a perfect 9-0. So much for the Vinny Table.
• GoJo, Erty, & Derko all went 3-0 this week
• Fulty’s unbeaten streak comes to an end with a 1-2 week
• Big Week: GoJo has a huge week with 42 points
• Stinky Week: R&S snapped back to reality with 5 points. Not sure if that’s a record low… but it probably is.
• Pick-up: Orv finished in last again, but since this is his 3rd consecutive time in third it has to go to a lottery – ORV gets 1, 2, & 3; T-Man has 4 & 5; and R&S get 6.  And the roll of the die is….. 6. That means that R&S get the pick up for week 3.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK

GoJo’s Dubnyk MN. 3 games; 3 shutouts; 12 Points. Any questions?

Devan Dubnyk, age 10. “He looked like a goalie,” said his father, Barry.

SHRAPNEL

Mike Commodore has been known as many things to many people.

The guy with the big, red Afro who wore the white bathrobe; a Stanley Cup champion; the guy who played for seven teams over 12 years; the guy with a pathological dislike for Mike Babcock.

Now you can add one more: Uber driver. Click on the pic for the TSN story from Bob Mackenzie.

What about Bertuzzi? Can’t imagine his reaction if you stiffed him on the tip.

Read my lips, “You’re Dead!”

Funny rant from the minds of the Canuck Nation ….“By now you’ve seen the cringe-worthy commercial,  ‘Living here doesn’t make us soft, it makes us hard to play against…’ or some such tripe. It’s the latest offering in the very tired ‘We Are All Canucks’ campaign still foisted upon the faithful from Aquilini’s admen (aka his family members) showing Horvat, the Sedins, and others, running on the Seawall and up an empty Grouse Grind. Did they film this at 3am?”

“The Seawall is a dodge-fest at the best of times, and the Grouse Grind is usually clogged with yoga moms, vacationers in jeans and flip-flops, or families with kids crying, ‘You lied Mommy. There aren’t any Pokemon on this trail,’ and hyperventilating teens proclaiming, ‘OH. MY. GOD. This is the hardest thing I’ve EVER done IN MY LIFE! Wait. Can we stop for a selfie? Duck Lips!’

If we truly are  ‘All Canucks’ we want to see Joe from New West sprinting with Miller and Markstrom past the Harry Jerome monument; Xangxi from Richmond leap-frogging up the Grind with Virtanen and Sutter. We would even settle for Hutton playing a game of Hide & Seek around the Hollow Tree with Ms. Lee’s grade 2 class. Anything.

Ball dropped.”

Guess Who’s Back?

Well, not really, but Alexei Kovalev will be hitting the ice in a comeback of sorts for Swiss side EHC Visp. Due to injuries, the 43-year-old Kovalev enters the lineup after sitting out the last two seasons.

Craziest thing? Kovalev is the team’s General Manager.

Just got me thinking that it would be great to see the Western GM’s play the Eastern GMs during All-Star Weekend. Would love to see Sakic fire one at Hextall’s head. I can just hear T-Man yelling “Burke Sucks!” like it was yesterday.

Trump Fact-checker (Part 2)

The guy says a lot; here’s more of his nefarious quotes:

1. Infinity pools have a limited amount of water.
2. Don Cheadle does not appear if you say “Cheadlejuice” three times
3. Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum
4. Lifesavers are not medicine
5. Marvin Gaye liked women
6. God loves figs
7. The periodic table is not about “Lady stuff”
8. Captain America was never a president of the United States

Jersey Fouls

The Reading Royals of the ECHL are going to wear these KISS themed jersey to appeal to their main fan demographic: 60 year old neighborhood mechanics.

“I wanna rock & roll all night. And part of every day.”

from the rophyfiles

World Series Facts:

It might be over but….. Last time the Chicago Cubs won a World Series (1908)…

• Henry Ford’s Model T was 3 weeks old
•  Arizona, New Mexico, Alaska, and Hawaii were not yet part of the USA
• Saudi Arabia, Turkey, & Vietnam did not exist
• Women couldn’t vote in the USA
• You couldn’t be in the league unless you had a cool nickname like “Shoeless,” “Oil Can,” or “Three Fingers.”

Pitcher Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown (bottom left) led the team in wins with 29. Joe “Hopscotch” Tinker (bottom right, can’t find the camera) led the team in homeruns with 6. (because some of the ball parks didn’t have outfield fences yet.)

CUT-DOWN DAY

Every GM will have to cut their rosters to 30 players on Nov 6, which will be the end of wk 4.  At that point you’ll have:

• 13 in your lineup for that week
• 12 on the bench
• 5 on the prospect list (check the rules for their eligibility)

STANDINGS

TEAM	G	W	L	T	PTS	PWk	TP	AVG	%
Vinny	9	9	0	0	18	29	95	31.7	1.000
Flinty	9	7	2	0	14	24	94	31.3	0.778
Cordie	9	6	3	0	12	31	87	29.0	0.667
Rulphie	9	5	3	1	11	26	81	27.0	0.611
Ertely	9	5	4	0	10	36	86	28.7	0.556
Derkin	9	5	4	0	10	31	76	25.3	0.556
Gordie Approved	9	4	4	1	9	42	91	30.3	0.500
HAUKA	9	4	4	1	9	24	83	27.7	0.500
EZ	9	4	5	0	8	34	85	28.3	0.444
JBR	9	4	5	0	8	23	76	25.3	0.444
Stif Uppa Lip	9	3	5	1	7	26	64	21.3	0.389
&	9	2	6	1	5	5	48	16.0	0.278
T-Man	9	1	7	1	3	25	66	22.0	0.167
Orful	9	1	8	0	2	16	52	17.3	0.111

PARTING SHOT

Tom Hanks should host SNL every week. See the entire skit below.

That’s it. Don’t forget to cut your rosters….. or Fulty will do it for you. That’s scary.

Week 2 – Oui R Awl Kanukz!

THE WEEKLY RANT

Fulty accosted me in the liquor store Friday, pointed to the logo on his hat, and said the page better show some love for the hottest team in the NHL.  Not sure this is what he had in mind.

Anyways, it’s about time we see some Canadian teams up top the standings. Hopefully there are a few of them playing in April/May/June.

In the OFHL this week:

• Haukster & Fulty tie for the big week with 40 points
• Fulty & Vinny are still perfect with 6-0 records
• Stifler had the stinky week with 19 points
• Ren & Stimpy have wins in both weeks
• Orv had the first pick up of the year and grabbed red-hot Richard Panik of CH.  F
• The Week 2 pick-up goes to Orv again. Rumor is that with Jon Quick out for a while, LA Kings might be dressing their goalie coach Bill Ranford. A better pick-up option than Kings back-ups Budaj or Zatkoff?

PLAYER OF THE WEEK

POTW honors could have gone to PK for showing up to his home opener in this…

Three players tied with 8 points for the most this week: JBR’s Cam Talbot EDM, Rolphy’s Brent Burns SJ, & Haukster’s Mike Green DT.

But POTW has gotta go to the ageless Jaromir Jagr. The 44-year-old scored his 750th goal in the NHL on Thursday, becoming only the third playing in history to hit the mark, joining Wayne Gretzky (894) and Gordie Howe (801). Had Jagr not left for the KHL in 2008, playing three seasons in Russia, he’d have passed Howe by now.

The #5 pick in 1990 behind Nolan, Nedved, Primeau, & Ricci.

1990! The year Brett Hull scored 72, Gretzky had 102 assists, The Simpsons began, and Vanilla Ice & MC Hammer were rockin’ your Walkmans.

from the rolphyfiles

SHRAPNEL

When Nic Dowd of the Kings got 2 points against the ‘nucks on Saturday night, The Score app recorded him as “N. Dowd” which we all imagined was his pornstar name. Ranks right up there with other NHLers, Hakan Loob, Randy Wood, & Ron Tugnutt. Then there’s baseball’s Randy Johnson, NASCAR’s Dick Trickle, football’s Dick Butkus, and even Canada’s IOC rep, Dick Pound. C’mon parents! Think about the name.

The Oilers & Jets met in the Heritage Classic on Sunday. “Classic” because it wasn’t -35 outside.

Captain Connor grabs Lil Nugey’s hand to lead him away from the impending danger that is Dustin Byfuglien. That’s leadership, my friends. 

Also in Winnipeg… Patrick Laine was asked if he can keep up his goal-a-game pace and pass his idol, Teemu Selanne, who scored 76 goals in his rookie season…”What was Teemu’s rookie record again? Ok. No problem. So, I can have six off-games.”

In Real Estate News…

T-Man recently had the reality check of selling his home in the Cariboo and purchasing in the megatropolis of Abbotsford. And while that’s a step up in house prices, it’s nothing like Vancouver proper. The Province like to compare the house prices of various celebrity homes to the YVR market. They recently gave this comparison:

Want to buy a house in Vancouver? This modest little Dunbar area gem will put you back about 5 Million. But it has a new roof and fruit trees.

Or, for roughly the same dollar you can grab one of Frank Sinatra’s old haunts just outside Palm Springs. It only has nine bedrooms and 13 bathrooms, and is on just seven-and-a-half acres, but it’s still pretty cool, and is on top of a mountain. Check it:

Best Seat in the Dog House – The Preds opened up against the Hawks last Friday and it was the kind of game that kept fans begging for more. Or begging for treats. Or for squeaky toys. At least in one case.

Jersey Fouls – A junior hockey team in Trenton, Ontario wore these Harambe themed jerseys this week…..

The best part about these jerseys is the matching shorts have a special velcro flap over the crotch. Because, you know.

TRUMP FACT CHECKER

Seeing as the US Election is only days away, It’s time to expose some of Trump’s claims:

1. Ukraine was not Frasier’s brother on the show “Frasier.”
2. Game of Thrones is not an adult version of musical chairs.
3. Jackson Browne is only one person.
4. Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
5. Pop tarts do not cause ‘splosions.
6. Boeing is a company, not a sound effect
7. Jersey Governor Chris Christie was never in the show “Three’s Company.”
8. Garfunkel is not Garfield’s black cousin.

CUT-DOWN DAY COMING

Every GM will have to cut their rosters to 30 players on Nov 6, which will be the end of wk 4.  At that point you’ll have:

• 13 in your lineup for that week
• 12 on the bench
• 5 on the prospect list (check the rules for their eligibility)

STANDINGS

TEAM	G	W	L	T	PTS	PWk	TP	AVG	%
Fulty	6	6	0	0	12	40	70	35.0	1.000
Vinny	6	6	0	0	12	34	66	33.0	1.000
Cordy	6	4	2	0	8	30	56	28.0	0.667
JBR	6	4	2	0	8	25	53	26.5	0.667
Haukster	6	3	2	1	7	40	59	29.5	0.583
Rolphy	6	3	2	1	7	35	55	27.5	0.583
Ren&Stimpy	6	2	3	1	5	23	43	21.5	0.417
Stifler	6	2	3	1	5	19	38	19.0	0.417
eZ	6	2	4	0	4	27	51	25.5	0.333
Erty	6	2	4	0	4	34	50	25.0	0.333
Derko	6	2	4	0	4	22	45	22.5	0.333
GoJo	6	1	4	1	3	32	49	24.5	0.250
T-Man	6	1	4	1	3	24	41	20.5	0.250
Orv	6	1	5	0	2	22	36	18.0	0.167

PARTING SHOT

Getting Ready for Halloween?

That Black Swan is Cordy’s #1 D-Man

That’s it. GO CUBS!